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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26731090">How to lift your girlfriend</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/ReaperWitch/pseuds/ReaperWitch'>ReaperWitch</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Skulduggery Pleasant - Derek Landy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/F, Fluff, Meme, Militsa is too gay for her own good, Spoilers for Phase 2, Valkyrie can lift 20 Militsas</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 09:35:43</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,803</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26731090</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/ReaperWitch/pseuds/ReaperWitch</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Valkyrie and Militsa are bored at home. Then Militsa sees a meme on the internet and disaster ensues.<br/>Takes place after Midnight.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Valkyrie Cain/Militsa Gnosis</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>16</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>How to lift your girlfriend</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>It was Valkyrie's day off, and she was spending it the best way possible: chilling at Grimwood's mansion with her girlfriend and dog.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Militsa had come to visit when Valkyrie told her about it. The two were always busy with their current jobs, so they had very little time to spend together. Days like these were rare, but a blessing. Valkyrie even silenced her phone in case Skulduggery, China or whoever else wanted to bother her with work calls. It was a really out of character thing she started doing recently, but she hasn't regretted it yet. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Right now, Valkyrie was doing push-ups in the living room while Militsa was watching Doctor Who on the TV and checking her phone from time to time. The necromancer tried to convince her into watching the series, but she found it very surrealistic. And she was a walking surrealism in a world of freaks.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Xena was right next to Militsa, resting her head on her legs to earn her well deserved pats from time to time. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>At some point, Militsa paused the chapter and called her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Hey, Val, look at this."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Valkyrie did a final push-up before standing up. The necromancer was pointing at her phone with a smile. Valkyrie loved that smile.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The phone showed a video of two women, one lifting the other on her shoulders, and doing squats. It wasn't the first time Valkyrie saw this. Apparently it was a trend online. A couples' trend.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Valkyrie frowned. "That's a bit dangerous, don't you think? And stupid."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I think it's really funny. People get bored a lot these days. You'd be surprised to see what they come up with."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Oh, I know, I'm on Twitter", Valkyrie sighed, and Militsa couldn't help but giggle. "So, why did you show me this? I mean, it'd be funnier if they fell or something."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Militsa looked down, like when she came up with an idea that she thought Valkyrie wouldn't like. "Well… I thought we could try it."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"What? Doing squats with you on my shoulders?"</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"I mean, if you want to, of course. I don't want to force you. I thought it would be cool, and you're so ripped so I… But, well, if you really don't want to we don't have to do it. I really mean it, we don't even have to record it-"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Mili", Valkyrie interrupted her. "I didn't even say anything yet. It's okay, let's do it. Skulduggery always said I have to experience new things, and this can be a new one. But yeah, it's better if we don't record it. People are going to dislike the video instantly."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"That's not true! Besides, there's not a dislike button on this app."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Val didn't want to say it was because of her fame as a genocidal goddess.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"So, anyway… how do we do this?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You have to kneel on the floor and I… have to lay down on your shoulders. And then you lift me up. And do squats. Easy, right?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"'Easy'. I have to do squats while I try to hold you so you don't fall and you call this easy."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s easier than most of the things you do. Like punching gods in the face.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But that’s my work. Work is not supposed to be fun, or that’s what they say.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you want to do this or not?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, yes.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Valkyrie kneeled down next to the couch, placing her arms above her head to catch her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Well, I'm ready. Come on Mili."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But the necromancer just stood there, looking at her with a nervous expression.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Mili?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Wait, sorry, I'm just trying to calm myself down."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"... What for?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I… I don't like when people lift me. Well, I just don't like my feet being off the ground at all."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Then why the hell did you suggest-"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Because it's funny and I want to get over my fears! I can do this!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Mili, if you're not comfortable with this…"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"No. It's okay, I can do this. We can do this. Let's do this."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>After one minute of her saying "it's okay, I'm brave" and two more minutes of her counting to ten over and over, Militsa finally climbed on Valkyrie's shoulders. Well, it was more like she was laying up there with her arms and legs hanging. Like a loose puppet. Her girlfriend could feel her heartbeat going faster and faster against her back.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I-I'm not heavy, am I?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Nah, you're perfect. I've lifted heavier things in the past. Skulduggery, for example."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Militsa let out a quiet laugh. "But he's just pure bones!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Her ego is the heavier one, you'd be surprised. Okay, ready?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Y-yes? I think sooOOOOH?!?!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Valkyrie lifted her up in one swift movement. Militsa tried to grab herself wherever she could, but there was only empty space. However, the other girl's strong arms prevented her from falling off, but didn't stop her from panicking at all.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Are you okay up there, Mili?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I think I just died for a second."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Well, better than dying full time then", Valkyrie laughed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Then, she started doing squats.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Militsa was having mixed feelings right now. First of all, being lifted like this by your buffed girlfriend was the dream of almost any lesbian in existence, and that included her, obviously. But second of all, the way she was hanging, the position she was in and the fact that her feet were waving trying to find solid ground made her panic even more. In conclusion: she wanted to get down, but at the same time no. What a disaster of a woman she was.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Xena was looking at them, moving her head curiously. Maybe she thought they were playing a game, because she went to greet them with a happy smile and waving her tail from side to side. Valkyrie tried to shoo her away, but Xena just stood there, watching with an amused smile on her face.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"And that makes fifty", Valkyrie said after some minutes, grunting. "Do you want to stop now?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Militsa let out a really quiet "yes", and Valkyrie kneeled down to let her safely on the ground. The necromancer looks pale and sweaty, like a ghost. Her freckles were even more noticeable now.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Mili…? Are you okay?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"The floor is my friend. I'm not leaving the floor from now on. I'm marrying the floor."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Valkyrie laughed at her girlfriend's panicked state. After crouching by her side, she wrapped her with her arms in a comforting manner.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"This was your idea, silly! You don't have to do things if you don't want to."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Militsa sighed. "But the experience, Val! I wanted to live the experience, but I also learned an important lesson. From now on, my feet won't leave the Earth. Nope. I'm not going to fly to other countries. I'm going to teleport with my powers until I reach my destination."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"What if I carry you? I'm learning how to fly, after all."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"A good reason to absolutely not do that. I trust you, Val, but I don't trust your powers as much as I want to."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"So, you're never lifting your feet off the ground ever again."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Never."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Never ever."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Not a chance."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Valkyrie smirked. "So you don't want me to carry you to bed?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Militsa's cheeks quickly started to match her hair, recovering from her paleness.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"W-well, I can always make an exception. Using necromancer powers can make you exhausted after all."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"And you want to save your energy for later, is that it?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The scottish woman pushed her to the side, while Valkyrie laughed. She then realized how much fun she had whenever she was with Militsa. No fights, insults, threats and boredom… but her smile, her playfulness and the way she always felt safe around her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Don't tease me like that, Val!", Militsa screamed. Her face was still red, and it reached to her ears.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Sorry, sorry, you're just so cute, I can't help it."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The necromancer crossed her arms and acted like she was indignated.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I'll forgive you… if you lift me up and take me to bed."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You want to make the exception </span>
  <em>
    <span>now</span>
  </em>
  <span>?" Valkyrie asked, raising a brow. "It's still 19pm."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"We were just chilling up until now. Tomorrow we'll have to go back to work and saving the world… and I don't want to waste the time we have together right now."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"No time is wasted when I'm with you, Mili."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Wow. That sounded corny as hell."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You're right. I'm not used to have a relationship where I don't bully my partner constantly."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You </span>
  <em>
    <span>tease</span>
  </em>
  <span> me. All the time."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Then stop being so damn adorable for one second and I'll stop."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Oh, shut up", and she leaned forward to kiss her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Their lips met, and Valkyrie tasted something sweet. It wasn’t artificial, or something that Militsa ate, it was her own flavor. And Valkyrie loved it. The necromancer’s hands cupped her cheeks, and she could feel a little smile forming in her lips. When they separated, Militsa looked like she was still in trance. They both laughed, resting their foreheads against each other.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They got up, and Militsa passed her hand around Valkyrie's neck.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Well, ready?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"No, but just do it."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When Militsa was finally in her arms in one swift move, Valkyrie felt hers around her neck with force made out of fear. Val felt herself lose a bit of stability.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Mili… we're going to fall if you pull my neck forward."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Sorry, Val! I'm trying to not look down."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You're a disaster, you know that?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Militsa's face popped out from between her arms, making a pouted expression. "</span>
  <em>
    <span>Your</span>
  </em>
  <span> disaster."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Valkyrie laughed, and swiftly took her upstairs.</span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>==BONUS==</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Skulduggery: You look terrible.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Valkyrie: Wow, thanks. I'm glad to receive such a heartful and sincere compliment from my best friend and partner early in the morning. I'm just exhausted, that's all.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Skulduggery: What did you do yesterday? I thought you were going to spend the day with Militsa.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Valkyrie: And I did. It was great, we watched TV and chilled at home in general. I hope I can get more days off like this.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Skulduggery: Then why are you so- oh.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Valkyrie: What?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Skulduggery: Nothing. Forget I asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Valkyrie: No. What do you mean? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Skulduggery: You know, we have an important case to solve, and if we keep getting distracted…</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Valkyrie: Skulduggery.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Skulduggery: … Let's just say… you didn't get a wink of sleep last night, right?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Valkyrie:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Skulduggery: I assumed so. I mean, you have trouble sleeping in general, but...</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Valkyrie: </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Skulduggery: Don't look at me like that, it's a normal thing couples do. Or don't, if you're not into that…</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Valkyrie: Please, shut up. Shut up.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Skulduggery: I'm not going to lecture you about what kind of protection you should use, if that's what you're worried about.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Valkyrie: SHUT UP!!!</span>
</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I did this in less than 24 hours... somehow.<br/>My brain is weird sometimes.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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